Talking to Your Kids about SEX

Ahoy Parents! You may feel uncomfortable talking to your kids about a subject like sex. It

is okay to feel uncomfortable just remember that your kids are depending on you to help them get the facts. Remember if you don’t provide your kids with a solid foundation on the facts related to health, sex and risk reduction then it is very likely they will believe the misinformation they are provided by their peers.

Would you trust your children to correctly wash the family's laundry without teaching them how to properly to use the washer and dryer? Of course not! So it is not logical to expect children to make healthy choices unless you all regularly discuss concepts that foster a healthy understanding of growth, development, and sexual health.

Don’t try and cover all the foundation in one conversation! Take your time and create a plan-of-attack that breaks down what subjects you want to cover with your children. Take into consideration your family’s specific morals and the expectations you have for your child to better help create a personal plan tailed to your family’s needs. This plan should include what kind of information you want to provide at different ages. The topics and vocabulary related to sex and health can be discussed formally as a family or casually or as questions come up. Remember, there are basic core concepts to introduce even to very young children (like consent and hygiene). And it very likely they will begin to ask questions at very early ages. So be prepared.

By discussing core concepts related to health early in a child's life you are helping the child to establish a strong foundation on which to build more complicated subjects. For example: You can teach children the basic concept that they have the right to create and assert their own personal “Bodily Comfort Zone” by not forcing them to hug or kiss anyone they didn’t give willing consent to. It may seem like just a kiss from Nana, but by allowing a child to practice agency over their body their are also practicing establishing personal boundaries as well as granting and denying someone consent. These skills in personal assertiveness will come in handy as your child gets older and is exposed to peer pressure and other social anxieties that may test their personal boundaries.

In addition to core concepts give them the proper language to discuss sex and health. I suggest using the proper anatomical terms for body parts when discussing sex, this is the best way to avoid confusion. This also means it is important that you review how bodies work and what the proper names and functions are of body parts related to sex and reproduction. When discussing topics of health and sexuality be sure to model inclusive language. Inclusive Language is language that avoids the use of certain expressions or words that might be considered to exclude particular groups of people (specifically avoiding gender-specific words). For example, rather than using the term “male condom” you may want to use “external condom”, because not all men have penisis and not all condoms are used on penisis. Another form of language to avoid is Imperatives like “Always” and “Never”. Instead use “If _ACTION_ then _RESULT”. For example if you are talking about barriers: “If you use barriers you will decrease your risk of pregnancy and STIs”. It isn’t imperative to always be perfect in the way you model language to your kids, but it is important that you try and model language that promotes sex and body positivity.

It is important to always implement Age Appropriate Honesty. Sometimes the same question will have a different answer depending on the age of the child and the types of risk that age may be exposed to. For example, if a seven year old asks “What does a penis taste like?” the age appropriate answer would be something along the lines of: “Well a penis is covered in skin, so it would taste however skin tastes”. If a seventeen year old asks the same question your answer may be more like: “Stimulating someone’s penis with your mouth is called oral sex. Many people use a condom during oral sex to reduces the risk of STI transmission. So in that case it will taste like a condom.” No matter what age your child is be sure to keep communication lines open. An easy way to know what is age appropriate is to keep up to date on what their interest are and observe Pop-Culture Together. Remember what it was like to be that age, but share your adult wisdom. Be sure to also stay informed on how how kids are getting their information. They need to be provided with age appropriate, quality resources.

Family is one resource of information your child will learn from, school is another. Basic concepts can be helpful to cover as a family before trying to discuss any specific details that may be covered in Elementary School, Middle School and High School. It is a good idea to make sure your child is entering Kindergarten with some foundation concepts like development, health, sex, consent and risk reduction. Ask your local school district or the administration of your child’s school if you want more information about what health education standards they are held to.

If your child attends public school in California it is likely their school has implemented common core standards. These health education standards define the essential skills and knowledge that all students are expected to learn in order to become “health literate”. According to the California School District the health education standards “help ensure that all students in kindergarten through high school receive high-quality health education instruction, providing students with the knowledge, skills, and confidence to lead healthy lives.” The California School District health education common core standards represent minimum requirements for ‘Growth, Development, and Sexual Health’ education. Therefore some schools will have curriculum that extends beyond the scope of the common core standards. Additionally these standards do not prescribe any specific methods of instruction. Even if specific topics will be covered in school it is important for a parent to confirm their child has accurate information on Growth, Development and Sexual Health concepts.

A parent is a wonderful resource for a child to use when it comes to sex, but they are not the ONLY resource. It is okay if there are details you don’t want to hear, just be sure to be honest about your limitations and provide them with the appropriate additional resources. It is appropriate to establish healthy boundaries, for you and them. Above all else establish yourself as a safe source of information and advice.

Age Appropriate Information

Elementary School is an important time to establish essential core concepts. Elementary schoolers in California public schools will cover topics including: Basic anatomy, the reproductive cycle, the beginning stages of puberty, hygiene, the definition of STDs/STIs, body image, social/cultural influences on health, communication/decision making skills, and how to create personal health goals.

Many Elementary Schoolers are filled with health-related questions like: How does my body work? Where do babies come from? What is Sex? What is Puberty? Who are the safe adults in my life I can trust? Does menstruation hurt? Why are some people/families different from other people/families? What are healthy, age-appropriate ways I can express affection with other people?

Middle School is a confusing time for many children and it is a time they will be building

on their core concepts related to Growth, Development and Sexual Health. Middle Schoolers in California public schools will cover topics including: conception occurs, the stages of pregnancy, responsibilities related to parenthood, abstinence, consent, contraceptive methods, social/cultural influences, considering the negative impact of alcohol/drugs, analyzing new personal responsibilities, reducing risk, and how to create/achieve personal goals.

Many Middle Schoolers are filled with health-related questions like: Am I developing at normal rate? What does “Consent” mean? Are my peers having sex? What is Porn? How do I know if I am gay/straight? Who are the safe adults in my life I can trust? What are healthy, age-appropriate ways I can express affection with other people?

High School is often when children begin to experiment with their personal identity and solidifying their core concepts related to Growth, Development and Sexual Health. High Schoolers in California public schools will cover topics including: contraceptive options, healthy relationships, risk evaluation and reduction, STD/STI prevention, puberty and development, social/cultural influences, considering the negative impact of alcohol/drugs, analyzing new personal responsibilities and how to create/achieve personal goals.

Many High Schoolers are filled with health-related questions like: Am I developing at normal rate? What does “Consent” mean? Are my peers having sex? When should I lose my virginity? How do I know if I am gay/straight? How do I reduce risk in my sex life? Am I going to get an STD/STI? Is it okay to masturbate?

Resources:

Be sure you have all the information you need to feel prepared. Now more than ever it important to know if what you are reading is fact or opinion. Fake News and “Truthiness” are not confined to Presidential elections. Misinformation is common-place in the world of sex and health. The most important thing to remember that facts are discovered through the scientific process. Someone does research, publishes it in a peer reviewed journal and the conclusions of the study are repeated in multiple testings. Anecdotes are based on one person’s observations of a personal situation. Be sure to always use quality resources for information gathering.

Use the resources you are most comfortable with. Whether it be books, education events, or even just talking to other parents be sure to seek out resources that work best for you and your family.

Personal Resources

• Identify trusted adults in one’s family, school, and community for advice and counseling regarding reproductive and sexual health

• Community: Your community may be your local church or your local PFLAG club chapter

• School & Educators

• Parent Groups

Medical Resources

• Identify your family’s health care providers for reproductive and sexual health services and let your children know who those people are and where their offices are located

• California’s Safely Surrendered Baby Law: “Safely Surrendered Baby Law (California Health and Safety Code, section 1255.7) provides a safe alternative for the surrender of a newborn baby in specified circumstances. A parent or person with lawful custody can safely surrender a baby confidentially, and without fear of prosecution, within 72 hours of birth. The SSB law requires the baby be taken to a public or private hospital, designated fire station or other safe surrender site, as determined by the local County Board of Supervisors. No questions will be asked and Code protects surrendering individuals from prosecution of abandonment.”

• Age of Consent:: The age of consent in California is 18. It is worth emphasizing that unlike some other states, the close-in-age rule in California do not provide an exception nor provide any defense; it merely lowers the crime to a misdemeanor (under this law, two minors of the same age could both be prosecuted). Penalties increase if the adult is 21 or older and the child is 15 or younger (it is automatically a felony if the minor is under 14).

• Parental Notification: All 50 states and the District of Columbia explicitly allow minors to consent for their own health services for STD/Is. No state requires parental consent for STD/I care or requires that providers notify parents that an adolescent minor has received STD/I services, except in limited or unusual circumstances. In California if you are over 12 years old you do not need parental consent.

• Identify the location of your local Planned Parenthood

Books

• For Parents

• The Real Truth About Teens and Sex - Sabrina Weill ​​

• Talk to Me First - Deborah Roffman

• Sexuality: Your Sons and Daughters With Intellectual Disabilities - Karin Melberg Schwier and David Hingsburger

• For Kids

• Where Did I Come From - Peter Mayle

• Boys, Girls & Body Science - Meg Hickling

• What's the Big Secret? - Laurie Krasny Brown

• Amazing You! - Gail Saltz

• The Care and Keeping of You - American Girl Library

• The Boy’s Body Book - Kelli Dunham

• ¡Es Alucinante! -Robie Harris (It's So Amazing, English version)

• The “What's Happening to My Body?” Book - Madaras and Herman-Giddens (Available in “For Girls” and “For Boys”)

• Our Bodies, Ourselves - Boston Women's Health Book Collective

• Trans Bodies, Trans Selves - Laura Erickson-Schroth

Websites (Click on Images to Access PDFs)

• Planned Parenthood

• https://www.plannedparenthood.org/parents ​​

• Tips for Talking With Your Teen about Sexuality Handout

• CDC

• https://www.cdc.gov/teenpregnancy/parent-guardian-resources/index.htm ​

• Talking with Your Teens about Sex: Going Beyond “the Talk” Handout ​

• PFLAG

• https://www.pflag.org/publications ​​

• Our Children Handout

• AdvocatesForYouth.org

• http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/the-facts-parent-child-communication​ ​​

• Parent-Child Communication: Promoting Sexually Healthy Youth Handout

• Also available as PDF in Amharic, Chinese, French, Spanish, and Vietnamese

• CA Department of education

• http://www.cde.ca.gov/​

• Health Education Content Standards for California Public Schools: Kindergarten Through Grade Twelve

• SailorJerri.com

• Check out the Resources Link for all downloadable PDFs

• Growth, Development, and Sexual Health Checklists - For Parents and Children: The following Checklist are designed to be a tool for parents to use when collecting Growth, Development, and Sexual Health information to share with their children. By collecting and discussing the topics covered in these checklists families can better prepare to have healthy and informative communication related to Growth, Development, and Sexual Health information. These checklists are intended to be a family activity, where you gather and administer age appropriate information.

• Prepare Yourself: Formulating a Plan of Action Checklist

• Establishing a Foundation Checklist

• Vocabulary Checklist

• Elementary School Checklist

• Middle School Checklist

• High School Checklist

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