Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
- Sailor Jerri
- Jan 30, 2017
- 5 min read
Nonviolent Communication is based on the principles of nonviolence-- the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart. NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs. Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new. It is based on historical principles of nonviolence. NVC reminds us what we already instinctively know about how good it feels to authentically connect to another human being. With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.
The NVC Process: The central aim of NVC is to stay in conscious relationship with another person. The fundamental process has four stages: observation, feeling, need, and request. You may not need to use every stage in each communication but again, for clarity when you’re learning it’s good to be aware of them all…
Observation: the facts (what we are seeing, hearing, or touching) as distinct from our evaluation of meaning and significance. NVC discourages static generalizations. It is said that "When we combine observation with evaluation others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying." Instead, a focus on observations specific to time and context is recommended.
Feelings: emotions or sensations, free of thought and story. These are to be distinguished from thoughts (e.g., "I feel I didn't get a fair deal") and from words colloquially used as feelings but which convey what we think we are (e.g., "inadequate"), how we think others are evaluating us (e.g., "unimportant"), or what we think others are doing to us (e.g., "misunderstood", "ignored"). Feelings are said to reflect whether we are experiencing our needs as met or unmet. Identifying feelings is said to allow us to more easily connect with one another, and "Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings can help resolve conflicts." It is imperative that you identify that you are responsible for your own feeling, no one can MAKE you feel a certain way. A better way to communicate would be “When you ___ I feel ___”, for example a statement like: “You make me so angry” is more effectively stated “When you do that I feel angry”
Needs: In NVC, the more fundamental the need we can express or pick up on the deeper the communication can be – your need for ‘that toy’ might be somewhat fleeting, but your need to be included in playing is deep, and can be understood by anyone. Much of the skill in NVC is translating our own and other people’s expressed feelings and needs into their deeper more core aspects. What is the need/value/desire I have, or that you have and are trying to meet?
Request: request for a specific action, free of demand. Requests are distinguished from demands in that one is open to hearing a response of "no" without this triggering an attempt to force the matter. If one makes a request and receives a "no" it is recommended not that one give up, but that one empathize with what is preventing the other person from saying "yes," before deciding how to continue the conversation. It is recommended that requests use clear, positive, concrete action language.
Application of NVC
The Nonviolent Communication model consists of two parts: Empathy and Honesty.
Empathy: Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Sympathy is often confused with empathy. With empathy you might feel a slight emotional drop, however it is not to the same emotional state as the speaker.
Honesty: The way honesty is used in Nonviolent Communication is to say what you are feeling (emotion), the observation that stimulated the emotion, what you are wanting (needs), and if you have a request.
Communication is an exchange of energy expressed in Listening and Expressing.
Listening: is the intent to prepare for what one has to say, or to extend heartfelt, respectful attentiveness to another
Expressing: an observation, feeling, need, and request
Modes: There are three primary modes of application of NVC
Self-empathy, involves compassionately connecting with what is going on inside us. This may involve, without blame, noticing the thoughts and judgments we are having, noticing our feelings, and most critically, connecting to the needs that are affecting us.
Receiving empathically, involves "connection with what's alive in the other person and what would make life wonderful for them. It's not an understanding of the head where we just mentally understand what another person says. Empathic connection is an understanding of the heart”. Empathy involves "emptying the mind and listening with our whole being." NVC suggests that however the other person expresses themselves, we focus on listening for the underlying observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It is suggested that it can be useful to reflect a paraphrase of what another person has said, highlighting the NVC components implicit in their message, such as the feelings and needs you guess they may be expressing.
Expressing honestly, in NVC, is likely to involve expressing an observation, feeling, need, and request. An observation may be omitted if the context of the conversation is clear. A feeling might be omitted if there is sufficient connection already, or the context is one where naming a feeling isn’t likely to contribute to connection. It is said that naming a need in addition to a feeling makes it less likely that people will think you are making them responsible for your feeling. Similarly, it is said that making a request in addition to naming a need makes it less likely that people will infer a vague demand that they address your need.
Giraffe vs. Jackal
Giraffe vs. Jackal Mouths: This is a way to consider different style of communicating
Giraffe vs. Jackal Ears: This is a way to consider different style of listening
Giraffe Listening: all the criticisms, blames and attacks of others are translated into simply their feelings and unmet wants and needs, we hear their pain but we don't take it personally. We can have empathy and feel connected to a person when we hear only their feelings and needs.
Jackal Listening: we hear complaints, criticisms and attacks everywhere. It's easy in that case to respond with similar attacks or to feel defensive or to just leave feeling miserable and misunderstood.
Keys to Successful Communication
Environment & Availability: The right time, the right place, everyone is ready
Commitment & Desire: Everyone wants to communicate effectively
Individual Clarity: Speaking clearly, knowing how you feel
No Hidden Agendas: Be direct with your purpose, always
Nonverbal Communication: Body-language speaks volumes
“I” Statements: Owning your experience
Paraphrasing: Repeat back to the person, summarizing can help you see if you understood the “big picture”
Ask Questions: For clarification
Negotiation: Find common ground and work from there
Compromise: Sometimes agreeing to disagree can be the only way
Consensus: Finding agreement
Closure: A real conclusion to a discussion includes scheduling a follow-up
Follow-up: Important to follow through with follow-up
Blocks to Effective Listening
Comparing: “That’s nothing! One time I…”
Mind Reading: “No! What you really mean is…”
Rehearsing: “When they are done talking I’m going to say…”
Filtering: “I just won’t tell them…”
Judging: “Oh that is bad because…”
Dreaming: “What kind of sandwich should I have for lunch? Wait… What did they say?”
Identifying: “Me too! Me too! This one time…”
Advising: “You should…”
Sparing: “Oh yah? Well you are just being an idiot!”
‘Crocodile’ Words - Exaggeration: “Always,” “Never,” “Everyone,” “Nobody,” “Nothing,” etc.
Being “Right”: “No! You’re wrong!”
Derailing: “Oh that is a tough one, so look at this picture of my cat”
Placating: “You’re right, you're always right. I’m so stupid.”
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